I Found Myself

not an hd picture, but i love my smile there

I had convinced myself that I was small, unlucky, unloved, and unhappy. I was too blind to see anything good in my life. My life was full of negativity, and I was trapped with that mindset.

I never enjoyed every single thing that happened in my life. I was never present in the moment; I was always overthinking every day.

There was a time when I did something just because others did it, not because I really wanted to.

"My life is a beauty" is the last lyric before the first rap in Taeyon's song "I." I was struck by it. Then, I thought, why not perceive my life as beauty too?

If there was a bad day, I used to think it meant I had a bad life. Back then, I always thought my life was just trash with nothing beautiful in it. I realized our mindset creates our life. How scary it is if I don't stop to think about it. I was trapped by that mindset.

There were times when I felt like I had lost myself. I never enjoyed any happy moments that occurred in my life. Even when I graduated, which should have been a happy moment for anyone, I was not happy. I thought I didn't deserve happiness until I got a good job.

There were moments when I rested, but I felt like I had done something wrong. When I did everything for myself, it felt completely wrong. I felt so guilty if I did it. So when I did anything and was busy with many activities, I never realized that I was sick and not in good mental health. I never prioritized myself more than anything; I always prioritized others. I never expressed myself honestly; even when I was sad, I never acted like I was sad. I always wore a happy mask.

Every single day, I was always afraid that something bad would happen in my life.

But now, I don't want all the negativity to happen to me again. So from now on, I avoid anything that might make me feel that way again. I will be careful with any input to myself and really filter it as much as I can.

I feel happier when I accept myself, when I stop overthinking, when I moving on.

I found myself with so many evaluations and reflections that I did on myself. Then, I really knew what I liked, what I didn't like, what was most important to me, and so on.

If someone were to ask me, "Do you still want to live despite the bitter flavor in your life?" My answer is always "yes" because my life is a beauty.

Then, I finally, actually, can accepted and loved myself.

Finally, I can live my own life at 22.